On Parenting

I belong to two parent groups.

In the first, I’m proud that my kid tested into honors English. I cheer for him as he plays on his school athletic teams. I encourage his musical abilities. As he prepares for high school, we talk about what he wants to study in college. He’s smart, athletic, musical, and an extravert. The world is his oyster.

There are lots of parents of kids like this where I live. We congregate around our kids’ activities as we cheer them, guide them, and support them.

These kids are going to be fine. Sure, we need to put rules in place and help them to make wise decisions as they navigate teenage years, but overall, we’re not too worried.  And, if we admit it, we may be a little proud. We’ve parented so well.

I’m also a part of another parent group. We’re not so vocal. When we get together, we share more struggles than victories.

When I’m with this group, I can talk about how my daughter and I studied every day for a week for her social studies test. How we made flash cards out of index cards. How the teacher read the test to her. And how I felt like I’d been kicked in the stomach when I saw her grade marked in red at the top of the test. Thirty-seven.

In this group, any accomplishment is a victory. I share about Anna’s violin lessons, not because she’s having any recitals or going to any competitions, but because, sometimes, she plays beautifully. And every time she does, I am hoping that she learns that she can master a new note, a new measure, a new song, a new anything. And I hope this counteracts the many, many times she has felt and experienced the opposite.

In this group, our aspirations for our children are different. We worry about their self-esteem. We figure out the special education system. We wonder when to push and when to let things go. We're deeply grateful when we encounter kindness and understanding. And easily angered when we don't.

The school of parenting's lessons on grace, patience, and humility are etched on me more deeply because of my membership in this second group. Here, I give advice more sparingly, listen more readily, and cry more easily.