Almost

It's that almost time of year. I took Pepper on a walk and the smaller neighborhood tree buds are just about to pop. So close that tomorrow, or maybe later this afternoon, I suspect that there will be leaves. Real leaves.

It's a relief.

I've never been good at waiting. I was the kid who couldn't sleep on Christmas Eve. After sleepless hours waiting for the house to go quiet, I would stumble out to the tree and organize the presents into piles. I passed the time by counting my presents, piling them up, and doing the same for everyone else's. Finally, I would rearrange them all and go wait in bed. I did eventually sleep, but no more than a few hours. It was tortuous.

It was a relief when my family began opening most of the presents on Christmas Eve, like my mom's family had done when she was a kid. I could finally get some rest.

Waiting is  why I don't like to travel. This is true. I've lived on three continents, traveled to and through more States and countries than I have the energy to count right now, but I don't like car rides or planes, and especially buses. I don't like them because while I'm on them I'm waiting to get to my destination.

Well, and because they smell funny. And the toilet issue (Fun fact. I made a couple transatlantic flights before I finally gave in and used the airplane toilet. I don't recommend this, btw). 

I talked to someone this weekend who had traveled to China. Fifteen hour plane trip. Eleven was the most I've ever done, and I think I will just plan to never go to China. It makes me physically cringe to think of living over half of a day in the in-betweeness of a plane ride.

When we travel as a family, even in the relative freedom of a car, I hunker down and try to be civil, but they know to not expect much. I'm friendlier once we've arrived.

This weekend at our church retreat, we talked about light and darkness. On Good Friday, kids and adults together listed facts and ideas about light. On Saturday we did the same exercise with darkness. I thought about how darkness makes me long for light.

This long Winter made me long for Spring in a way that I never have before. Spring has always been a welcome relief after Winter, but this year is different. March was hard. Not knowing when the weather would finally turn, when buds would appear, when the snow would be gone; the indefiniteness of the waiting made it dark and tiring for me. 

The hardest waiting I've ever done was in the middle of our years of fighting infertility when we lived in Gabon. The beginning was hard, as it was clear as we started to "try" that something wasn't right. But still, we had statistics in our favor. Most couples do get pregnant within two years; we were hopeful.

Our last year of trying was also manageable. I had undergone surgery to remove endometriosis, and statistically (again), I would get pregnant within the year if endo was the cause. The calendar year after the surgery contained the waiting. A clear ending made it less painful.

But that middle time of not knowing what the end would be, what we should or should not do, or what God was up to was hard and dark.

I'm not living in an in-between time right now. I pretty much know what I'm up to and what's around the corner as much as any of us do. And I'm thankful, knowing that those waiting times that are so hard for me are not forever. They come and go.

For those living in that in-between time, I do pray for faith and hope. This weekend, Pastor Keith asked one of his kids to come up and hang onto his leg. She wrapped her arms around first and then her legs and held on. He said that this was an illustration of faith.

There have been times when my faith has felt that desperate, that clingy.

But there have been times when others have held me up, and I know that I am held up with arms stronger than mine or my friends'.

The Lord is faithful in all his words

and kind in all his works.

The Lord upholds all who are falling

and raises up all who are bowed down.

Psalm 145 verse 14